Three Affirmative Responses That Can Calm an Upset Child

As children transition from childhood to adolescence, parents often encounter heightened challenges in managing their emotional and behavioral development. This period can be marked by various forms of resistance, including emotional outbursts, defiance, and withdrawal. These behaviors can create significant barriers in communication, leaving parents feeling frustrated and helpless. However, Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta, a parenting coach and expert, recently introduced a technique aimed at fostering connection and understanding within familial dynamics, particularly with older children and teenagers.

In her viral TikTok video, Dr. Hauge-Zavaleta detailed her innovative “three yeses” approach, which emphasizes empathetic communication as a means to bridge the emotional gap that often develops between parents and their big kids. This technique is centered around acknowledging a child’s perspective and expressing understanding through tailored affirmations.

The principle is simple yet effective: rather than immediately responding to a child’s negative emotions with criticism or disciplinary actions, parents should begin by recognizing and validating the child’s feelings and frustrations. This practice not only establishes a more open line of communication, but it also encourages the child to engage in problem-solving in a supportive environment.

For instance, consider a scenario where a family’s teenage daughter feels disappointed after learning she cannot invite a friend on the family’s annual vacation due to last-minute changes. Instead of reprimanding her for isolating herself from the family activities, Dr. Hauge-Zavaleta suggests a parent could articulate three affirmations such as, “You really wanted to bring a friend,” “You wish to stay in your room away from what you see as childish games,” and “You’re likely looking forward to going back home.”

This method creates a moment of connection, fostering an atmosphere where the daughter feels understood. The parent can then give her the space to either re-engage with the family or take additional time for herself, all while reinforcing familial support.

Similarly, in the context of academic struggles, if a son fails a math test, instead of immediate consequences, a parent can employ the “three yeses” to verify his feelings: “You thought you could get by without studying,” “You believed your previous performance was indicative of your potential,” and “This situation has caused you embarrassment.” Such affirmations can pave the way for more productive discussions about future studies without the immediate burden of judgement.

While the “three yeses” technique is not a panacea for all parenting dilemmas, it serves as a potent tool for emotional attunement. By encouraging parents to embrace empathy and understanding, it enhances the relationship dynamic, enabling smoother resolutions to conflicts. Dr. Hauge-Zavaleta’s approach advocates that fostering communication through acknowledgment can ultimately cultivate a healthier emotional environment for both parents and their children as they navigate the turbulent waters of adolescence.

Amidst the diverse parenting strategies available today, the “three yeses” stands out as a thoughtful practice that underscores the importance of emotional connection, which is fundamental in helping children feel heard, respected, and ultimately more cooperative.